A recent small study by TalentSmart using a 360 degree assessment, showed that almost 70% of leaders rated as high in emotional intelligence also rated well in decision making. And they found that 69% of low rated EQ leaders ranked in the lowest 15% of decision makers.

You can increase your decision making capabilities by being more emotionally intelligent.

See http://www.talentsmart.com/learn/online_whitepaper2.php?title=EMOTIONAL_DECISIONS_1&page=1

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There were two tragic car accidents this week that touched my world. The two that lost their lives still had so much living ahead. Their contribution to making life better will really be missed.

In the shock of reading an email in the first case and hearing the news in the second, I had to decide how to respond.

Writing a response via email was just too impersonal. Phoning seemed the right thing to do in both cases. With caller ID, the person on the other end could choose not to answer. They answered. Tears, a loss of words, then words overflowing were shared.

Perhaps this is not what another leader might have chosen to do. In these two situations, it felt right to me. I hope that my reaching out and sharing my sense of loss and compassion will in some small way lead to healing.

Leaders need to know themselves well enough to know what they are willing and able to do in times of loss. And I believe leaders also need to be willing and able to be vulnerable in those situations to share their emotions, their compassion and humanity.

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One of the articles in HBR is “Rethinking Trust” by Roderick M. Kramer, a social psychologist and the William R. Kimball Professor of Organizational Behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business in CA.

Kramer starts by sharing evidence that to trust is really part of being human. But he claims we can’t always rely on our judgment. This makes me nervous. Even though I’ve been told I sometimes trust too much, most of the time (98%) it works out OK, actually it works out well. This means what has worked for me so far is pretty comfortable and I’m likely to continue doing that. Kramer says that can be dangerous. He points out that we need to revisit the trust issue and check-in every so-often or we may put ourselves in a grief-causing situation.

He outlines seven rules for trusting wisely:

1) Know yourself

2) Start small

3) Write an escape clause

4) Send strong signals

5) Recognize the other person’s dilemma

6) Look at roles as well as people

7) Remain vigilant and always question

The first rule is a great tie-back to emotional intelligence. Knowing yourself is the starting point in both arenas. Without this knowledge and I would say self-honesty, you could be setting yourself up for abuse by trusting too much, or on the other end, hold yourself back from developing deeper relationships by trusting too little.

I, therefore, must be ever conscious of correctly interpreting the clues I get from other people or, I may put myself in a position of unwanted vulnerability. Finding the balance where I can trust (and of course be trusted), so we can build the relationship is of great interest to me. And also of great interest is not being taken advantage of.

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While my inclination to trust has not changed much since that feedback, I have become more aware of the whole arena of trust. I now notice what happens in interactions, with regard to trust, particularly in leadership relationships. That is, the relationships that leaders have with those they are leading and how trust plays a critical part in them.

Trust means different things to different people. An employee feels that his leader does not trust him because she asked him to consider his frame of mind and timing before having a sensitive discussion with another manager. She, the leader, does have a lot of trust in this employee, yet cautions him because she knows more than meets the eye. They are talking with each other to clarify expectations, goals and the dance of the relationship and its impact on business results. This can be quite complex. It could be that she does not completely trust his judgment in this instance, but still trusts him overall. Eventually, the way this leader and employee handle this discussion and their next steps says a lot about the trust they share.

My perspective is while trust works best when it is reciprocated, sometimes you need to show you trust before the other party trusts you. And trust is a moving target. Idealism and realism have some part in this as well.  I may trust too much compared to Joe or Jane, but not trust as much as Sarah or Scott.

Since my view is to use emotional intelligence to build and sustain high performance relationships toward achieving the best business results, I coach believing that trust and EI are absolutely necessary for the leader and those s/he  works with for long-term success.

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1) It’s a small world, getting smaller by the minute.

2) You can’t be a success in leadership on your own.

3) People do business with people they know and like.

So how do you become socially aware? How do you increase your social awareness?

The number one way is to listen. LISTEN. Stop talking and really focus on the other person and what s/he is saying or trying to express. This means no interrupting and no drafting your response in your head while the other person is speaking. It is being truly present in that moment with that person, completely focused on him.

When we really listen and give another person our full attention, it builds trust and respect and good relationships. Whenever I ask people what qualities or characteristics they think of in great leaders, “being a good listener” is always on the list. Good Listening is developing the skill to peel away layers to get to the core of the message. Yes, you should be able to paraphrase what you heard, AND you should “get” the underlying message, the unspoken words. It means paying attention to body language, voice-tone and the words. Hopefully, these three match and are congruent. If not, body language is the most reliable way to “hear” a message.

It seems simple and yet it isn’t always easy to do. Leaders can build this skill and for those who do, they improve their social awareness and they expand their circle of influence It takes practice, being open to receiving feedback and taking action on the input.

Are you ready to increase your social awareness, build more respectful, trusting relationships and expand your leadership circle of influence?

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You can’t escape the fact that as leaders, having social awareness which is part of being socially competent, a fundamental of emotional intelligence, is a must for extraordinary long-term business results and success. Here are the top three reasons leaders need to be socially aware:

1) It’s a small world, getting smaller by the minute.

2) You can’t be a success in leadership on your own.

3) People do business with people they know and like.

Let’s look at reason number one: it’s a small world getting smaller. It is so clear and yet we don’t think about it that much. I’m talking about how connected we are. Every week, sometimes daily,  I find that degrees of separation are decreasing. The fellow I met at a networking breakfast knows a colleague down the hall; a friend plays softball with my real estate agent; my neighbor does business with my former boss.  Friends and associates in London, Berlin, Hong Kong and Honolulu meet via LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter and soon start doing business together and referring one another.

As the world gets smaller, leaders need to continue to create connections and community. Without a community or several, you are an island. And since leadership is about getting amazing results through and with other people, you can’t go it alone, reason number two leaders need to be socially aware. Imagine a series of interlocking circles. The circles can represent individuals or communities. The spaces where they overlap are where relationships that nurture business and leadership success lie.

This in turn relates to reason number three why leaders need to be socially aware: we like to do business with people we know and like. It’s the same the world over (and remember, that world is getting smaller).

Ok, so you know the WHY you as a leader need to be socially aware. The How to become socially aware is next. Stay tuned.

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And yet only a handful really know themselves and have a high level of self awareness.

Leadership Principle One is Know Yourself. You must connect with yourself on the fundamentals before you can do that with others effectively. You  must be a student of yourself to be an effective leader. And if you hope to get better results through those that you work with, you need to nurture your emotional intelligence and become an emotionally intelligent leader.

Know yourself, re-connect with yourself by reflecting on and answering these simple self assessment questions:

-What ten characteristics/qualities distinguish you, make you stand out?

-What are your top five values and how do those show up in your life? How do your top values influence what you do and how you do it?

-How emotionally intelligent are you? Daniel Goleman defines Emotional Intelligence as: …the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.  See www.haygroup.com/tl/EI/Quiz.aspx for a mini EI self assessment.

When you have a clearer understanding of yourself, use that information to help you make better future choices and decisions. That may include reviewing past decisions and doing a post mortem, asking a mentor for his/her input and engaging in leadership coaching.

Stay tuned for more on knowing yourself.

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That came as a pretty big surprise, since that was not and is not my intention (there’s an example of the gap between intention and impact). After taking a breath, I apologized and explained that wasn’t what I wanted to do and I calmly asked her how she wanted me to change that going forward. She asked me to run things by her first and admitted that it might be cumbersome, but that was her preference (and she is the head of this organization). Ok, sure I can do that.

In the moment I composed the email and sent it, I was not thinking that my actions could be mis-interpreted. Since receiving the feedback, I am now much more conscious of how I will do things as they relate to this group and specifically to her, our leader.

Self management keeps me from making this any larger than it is. But I feel a bit annoyed (at least my self awareness is working some) at myself for not having thought about it more and the potential impact of my seemingly innocent actions. And I feel a bit irritated that what started out as a good gesture didn’t exactly turn out the way I thought.

Emotional intelligence as it happens.

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Taken a step further, this translates to you, leader, consciously complimenting your own strengths with others’ talents. This support the case for the importance of teams, where each person contributes to the solution by sharing his/her unique strengths.

Take a moment to write down your top ten strengths and your top ten developmental opportunities.

• Are you leveraging your strengths?
• How are you making up for your weaker areas?
• Who fills in the gaps?
• Where can you increase success by bringing others into the mix?

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